Saturday, May 11, 2013

It is supposed to be a happy day

Sighhh...I feel really really down today.

Today is supposed to be an excited day for me. In few hours time, I will be flying back to my home town to attend my grandma's birthday celebration, in which I have been looking forward to.

Today is supposed to be a relax day for me. I just took an exam 2 days ago and I thought I can finally rest for a short while before taking the next exam.

Today is supposed to be a better day for me as I just got over my sadness for not able to perform in my exam which I took 2 days ago. I can't blame anyone or anything as I did not work hard and prepare enough this time and I have expected to fail it. It's my fault that I slack and did not work hard but I still feel sad.

Today is supposed to be a joyful day for me. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I am heading back to see my mama today.

Today is supposed to be a self-pampered day. I had plan to reward myself with something expensive for finishing the recent exam marathon and working hard (at work).

And the list go on...

I woke up automatically before 8am today and this is not usual for me as I don't normally woke up that early on Saturday. I haven't had enough sleep for the week and I don't supposed to wake up this early without alarm clock. No, is not biological clock as I don't consistently wake up at 8 this week. I burned midnight oil and woke up rather late every day before my exam. And yesterday, I almost could not wake up to work even with the helped of alarm clock due to tiredness.

Perhaps, my brain knew something. Perhaps, my brain received some dunno-what-wave-signal and asked me to wake up.

It's my habit to check my phone first once I woke up. Checking email, notification, massage and etc. And today is no different.

Finally, I received an email that I have been waiting for so long, for weeks. It's my exam result, which I took in mid of March. This exam is slightly different where I have to do it at home within the given time frame and submit it for grading. It's a very tense exam even you do it at home due to the time limit. I'm not that sad for failing other exam but this exam is really torturing.

Yup, I failed!!! T.T Arghhh...I need to redo everything again. I need to go through the whole stressful process...I...I don't what to do....

Sigh...It's a very expensive exam. I need to re-register and spend U$500 on it. Cannot claim from anywhere. No, I am not sad because of the money actually.

I though I will be ok but no...I feel very sad but not able to cry...I got no one to turn to and don't know how to let it out. I thought I am strong enough but I realize I need a shoulder to cry on sometimes. I..I don't know...

Right. I got few hours more to pack my feelings before I reach my home. I don't know I still can smile today but I have to try. I can't show my sadness in front of my parents and grandma, especially during the her birthday and mother's day celebration.

Ok. Got to go. Rushing to airport. Feeling much better as I write it out...